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Unkle Munky Pg 57
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." *Munky is also available here... ---- This week Munky is tipping... *Click here to play... ---- Ref. The Young Punxs video Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Dear arse breath, it would appear that this week’s ‘Munky tip’ contains scenes that some of our readers might find disturbing. I for one would have appreciated some form of prior warning with regards to the scary clowns that appear in said video. You know I have a phobia! Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Ms. Bumton, your continuing hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. I have a phobia with regards to your blouse, but will you remove it? Will you fuck! I would suggest, on this occasion, that you stop whinging and get on with some pretend typing. Good day! ---- Munky Gets a New Drill... Tim from Inverclyde asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was just wondering if you had received my letter? I marked it quite clearly with a sample of paint from the ‘Dulux Anal Retentive’ range. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tim, I did indeed receive the aforementioned correspondence. I would have answered far earlier had I not been contemplating the relationship between my recently accquired ‘Black & Decker BX500L’ turbo drill and surfaces relative to the drilling thereof. With regards to your query: When your girlfriend suggested that the bathroom be painted in a colour resembling that of the toilet tissue, I assume she was referring to ‘pre-bum wipe’. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you whitewash the crap coloured walls prior to coating them in a girlie shade of clitoris pink. And now, if you do not mind, I have unnecessary holes to drill. Good day! ---- Ref. Seat anomaly. ''Dear Unkle Munky, why are there several holes in the seat of my swivel chair?'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, I have been left a rather powerful Black & Decker drill in a friend’s will. Waiting for him to die, however, has become extremely tedious. This morning I took it upon myself to ransack his shed. I will be wearing said drill via a handy belt-clip affair for the duration of the day. I think you’ll agree, it makes me look like quite the handy munky. The holes in your chair are for ventilation purposes. It is imperative that an arse the size of yours be allowed a little breathing room. And now, if you do not mind, I have bandages to apply. Good day! ---- Smart. Andy from Lewisham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend recently bought a Smart car. Everything seemed fine until she came to use the windscreen wiper. Bizarrely, the car itself moves from left to right whilst the wiper remains stationary? Is this normal? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Andy, the windscreen wiper anomaly of which you speak is merely a charmingly eccentric design fault that is inherent with all Smart cars. The petite dimensions of the aforementioned vehicle has led to numerous problems, not least the automatic seatbelt retracting system which can actually flip the car over if released too promptly. ‘Smart’ ensure me that they are attempting to iron out these minor problems and that you should keep any future complaints to yourself. ---- Dying to Tell Ya... This week’s '''‘Dying to tell ya‘ comes from Cher. What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Cher? I’m 62 ya know? Unkle Munky says -''' Thanks Cher. That’s great. *Please Note - A stalking incident in the mid nineties involving Unkle Munky has thwarted any attempts on my part to secure the permission required in respect to posting a relative jpeg for this section. On behalf of the hairy shit I would like to say a big thank you to professional Cher look-a-like, Mr. Dave Holland from Stoke. Dave’s assistance with regards to this crap feature was invaluable.' 'Yours in a rather fetching pink blouse,' 'Ms. Bumton (Legal advisor and general assistant to a primate).' ---- Ref. Stalking slur. Oh fer fucks sake! I wasn’t stalking her. I just wanted to know if there ''was ‘life after love!’ Focusing attention on this unfortunate episode of my life is both upsetting and unwarranted. Had you not raised the issue I am sure that the minor pictorial anomaly would not have been noticed. P.S. Any joy with that Tina Turner yet? ---- A musical interlude whilst Munky drills a hole in the toilet door… ---- ''Dic'' Debbie from Pembrokeshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do labels on antiseptic creams always instruct the user to wash their hands? Surely washing is not necessary if the cream is of an antibacterial nature? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Debbie, this is hardly an agonising problem. I have far more pressing issues on my mind at the moment, like trying to balance a ballpoint pen on its nib. The laws of physics say that said feat should be possible, but to be quite frank it is looking increasingly unlikely. I foresee my good self having to employ the use of Blu-Tack in order to resolve this particular conundrum. Debbie replies - Useless! No wonder you lost the Pantene Pro V agony award of 2007! ---- Derek from Cumbria asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked with chip fat? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Derek, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. I was unable to reply earlier as I was busy drilling holes in Ms. Bumton’s Flip Flops. With regards to your query: As far as I can ascertain, an act of negligence on the part of MacDonald’s has not been committed. I have studied the menu in question and can confirm that the meal you chose was clearly labelled as comprising of a salad side-dish. I can also confirm that the trace elements of lettuce found within your bloodstream will in no way complicate your current health issues. The only claim open to you in this instance is one of being a continuing strain on an already over stretched national health service. And now, if you do not mind, I have bananas to fry. Good day! ---- Unkle Munky would like to make it clear that he will not be discussing the disappointing outcome of this year’s agony awards on the pages of his shit column. He would, however, like to make it perfectly clear that he had nothing to do with the alleged ‘Peanuts for points’ affair. Ms. Bumton (Legal advisor/General assistant to a useless primate) 'Unkle Munky says -' Ahem, Thank you Ms. Bumton. ---- Advertisement. 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh fer fucks sake! There must be better ways of funding my critically un-acclaimed agony column? ---- Ref. Peep Hole! ''Oi Munky! Why the fuck have you drilled a hole in the toilet door? This surely contradicts my civil rights and no mistake. As an ex Spice Girl it is imperative that I be afforded a certain amount of privacy. Just because you are comfortable exposing your rather unkempt genitals to all and sundry does not mean that I am! And now, if you do not mind, I have a fax to email. Good day!'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, as a munky I am quite within my rights to be uncivil. The aforementioned hole is merely a ventilation aid. I can assure you that I will not be using said aperture as a peeping facility. Your insinuations have hurt me deeply, as have your comments regarding my unkempt genitals. I have stated on numerous occasions that I will always remain true to my roots, and as such I will not conceal my body beneath the constraints of manmade clothing! P.S. I preferred the knickers you had on yesterday. ---- The Final Word. This week’s final word goes to everyone’s favourite goth, Mr. Marilyn Manson. 'Unkle Munky says -' Thanks Marilyn. That was most fascinating. ''Ms. Bumton (Munky’s general assistant) adds - What a load of bum crack! Marilyn looks nothing like that George Michael fella? It seems obvious to me that this feature has been somewhat crudely fabricated by the hand of a munky!''' '''Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate a little more support from your good self during these uncertain times. My disappointing joint seventeenth position at this week’s Pantene Pro V agony awards has hit my credibility quite hard. Acquiring celebrity backing is proving extremely difficult and no mistake. Have you seen my drill anywhere? ---- ---- Unkle Munky is also available here... ---- Next... Previous... The Diary of a Munky... Return to Munky Menu...